I Just Make It Look Easy

I always try to see the bright side of every situation, but today is just one of those days. Life with a spinal cord injury is not all about good parking, and always having a place to sit. This shit is HARD! Just because I make it look easy does not mean it is. Remaining positive when you literally have zero control of your own body gets tough. Forgive me for having a bad day and being a little moody on occasion. This is how I vent, so here goes!

Imagine waking up every morning and having to wait for someone to help you get out of bed. My life revolves around waiting on people to help me. Imagine not wanting to ask for help because you don't want to bug your caregiver more than you already have. Imagine having to wait until someone is ready to help you with whatever because you rely on them to do anything and everything. I am beyond thankful for my caregivers who do everything for me. They get tired too. It has to be exhausting caring for someone's every need which is why I try my best to be understanding. I just get tired of feeling like I am burdening others by needing so much help.

Imagine constantly living with bladder infections because you have to use a catheter to pee. The one thing you need to live could be the very thing to take your life. Going septic from a bladder infection is very real. We can't constantly live on antibiotics, but who wants to feel like shit all of the time? I wonder if I even remember what it feels like to be 100% healthy. Imagine being terrified of catching a simple cold because you can't cough good, and it will likely turn into pneumonia. 

Imagine having to constantly adjust positions, and make sure nothing is rubbing or poking you. Pressure sores are so deadly, and a thing we have to constantly worry about. Imagine being so uncomfortable in your wheelchair, but being denied modifications because they are not covered by insurance. I have been uncomfortable on my wheelchair cushion for months now, but insurance will not cover the test to see which cushion will be best for me. I was literally told I needed to have had major pressure sore surgery to get that test covered. So guess where I am on my way to? To my first pressure sore in 10 years. 

Imagine living with constant pain, but constantly being told how lucky you are to be sitting all of the time. Imagine having a total working brain, but still being treated as a child because of society's ignorance about disabilities. Imagine strangers touching you asking if you can feel it. Imagine being reminded everyday of the worst day of your life because you are constantly reminded you are paralyzed. So please do forgive me for my bad days, but I am entitled to them. 

The list goes on and on. I may make this life look easy, but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy.

I Shine Brighter Than My Rims

Ten years ago, I never thought I would be anything more than just a girl in a wheelchair. I spent my days cropping out my wheelchair and using old pictures. Hiding behind a computer screen was easier than facing reality for my fourteen year old self. I constantly wondered, "Why me?". What did I do that was so bad in my fourteen years of life to deserve this? I had tons of friends and boys wanting to date me, but I lost all of that the day I started seeing myself as a set of wheels and not a human being. Many of you are guilty of seeing the wheelchair before the person, and many of you are in a wheelchair yourself. 

I can now proudly say, I stopped seeing myself as a set of wheels. Once I started seeing myself as a regular person, other people did too. I no longer look in the mirror and think how ugly I am because of these wheels. I look in the mirror and see a badass chick who has been through hell and still wears a genuine smile. It is all about perspective!

Sure, people still see the wheelchair first but I don't. Once someone gets to know me, they often forget I am even in a wheelchair. They don't forget because they can't see my wheelchair, they forget because who I am shines brighter than my rims. Nobody wants to be around someone who wallows in self pity, so I stopped being that person. Shit happens and it sucks, but we have to pull through. If you can't laugh at the misfortune this injury causes then you will forever be stuck in a sad place. I am not saying people can't have bad days, but I will always say it is just a bad day not a bad life!

 After ten years, I no longer question "Why me?". I know this happened so I can reach out to that fourteen year old girl and say it gets better. Time may not heal our wounds, but it teaches us to cope with them. Learn to love every part of yourself because every part of you is unique. I hope that no matter what anyone is going through that they look in the mirror and see the good not the bad. You only get one life, and if you don't love yourself then nobody will. As my dad says best, "Love yourself, fuck everyone else!"