A letter to my spinal cord injury

To my spinal cord injury, 

You forced me to grow up at the age of 14. You have been, and always will be the biggest reality check of my life. You forced me to realize that most friends are temporary, and some become family. You made me realize my family is my everything. As much as I hate you for what you have, and continue, to put me though I also have this weird love for you. You made me realize how important life is. You made me realize how strong and supportive my family is. You were some odd and unfamiliar glue that brought me closer to the people who truly matter. I would give you up in a heartbeat, but I would never give up the life lessons you have taught me. Because of you I am mentally strong. Because of you I am physically weak. Because of you I am me. You will always be a blessing and a curse 🥀 .

My First Heartbreak

I experienced my first heartbreak at the young age of fourteen. I know what you're thinking, fourteen is too young to know what a heartbreak really is. This heartbreak was not the typical my boyfriend broke up with me, or someone died type of heartbreak. I was fourteen and mourning the loss of life as I knew it. Fourteen should be the age of adapting to high school and obsessing over cute boys with your girlfriends, not the age of sorrow and relearning how to live your life. 

I don't remember waking up in the hospital and being told I was now a quadriplegic. It was just something I already knew. Whether or not I just don't remember someone saying those words to me could be the case (morphine is one hell of a drug). I have yet to go through anything as devastating as being told not only will I never walk again, but I will never move about 85% of my body again, or breathe without a ventilator. Oh yeah! Another zinger, I will now pee through a tube and have a set bowel routine. I can't even feed myself and now I have to worry about possibly pissing myself. Oh joy! As if things couldn't get any worse...but wait! There's more! Once I returned home, three months later, all my friends stopped coming around. So not only was I embarrassed of myself my friends were too. 

I cried, but not as much as I should have. You see, the thing with being 100% dependent on others to live means holding a lot in because you don't want to bring down their day. Most of my tears were, and still are, shed when I am finally alone and going to sleep. Yes, eleven years later I still have moments where I break down. I don't think you ever really get over losing everything you once knew. You just learn to live with it and become a new (hopefully improved) you. 

I like to think that I have adapted well, but I still feel sorry for my fourteen year old self sometimes. I am really good at being strong for everyone else, but myself. There are now more good days than bad. Eleven years later and I am no longer on a ventilator. I have more independence, but not much. This heartbreak is not easy and never will be, but I slowly add more band-aids to it. I would never wish this on anybody because very few have enough band-aids to push through it, and still shine bright. 

Unapologetically Me

I get asked a lot about how I’m so confident in my wheelchair and with my body. The truth is, I wasn’t always this way. I spent a long time hating myself and being embarrassed of the way I looked in my wheelchair. If I’m being 100% honest, I still have my days where I look in the mirror and wish I were standing so my clothes fit better. Days where I wish I had full body function, so my body looked “normal”. But what really is normal?? Nobody is the same, and whether you’re able bodied or not you will always compare yourself to others.

The day that I realized this is MY body, and the only one I get, so I better learn to love it is the day I changed for the better. Sure, I can compare myself to tons of girls but why?? I’ll never be them. I am me and they are them. My body is full of scars and weird things, but it’s still mine. I love every scar I have because they tell my story. I love my little quirks because they make me different. For every person that you wish you looked like, that person is wishing they looked like someone else.

Stop putting that energy towards wanting to be someone else and learn to love being yourself. It won’t happen overnight, maybe not even over a year, but it is possible. It took me about 5 years to be completely comfortable in my skin. I’m comfortable posting pictures in my chair. I’m comfortable going anywhere in public. If people are going to stare at me, I might as well give them something to stare at. That doesn’t always mean dressing up. That means carrying that confidence with you everywhere you go. There will always be someone prettier, but there will never be another you. For my wheelchair girls, you go out and wear that chair don’t let the chair wear you. You are not your chair! You are you! That chair is just your accessory, your throne, you make that chair look good!

Mind Over Matter

      As I get closer to the 11-year anniversary of my accident, I find myself reflecting on a lot. I start drifting back to the “what ifs”. What if I never got in that car? What if I had just worn my seatbelt? What if my parents followed the doctor’s advice and put me in a nursing home? What if I was dead on the scene like initially reported? There are so many “what ifs”, but if I spent my time dwelling on the "what ifs" I would never get the joy of experiencing the "right nows".

      Everyone has been through some messed up things in their lives, and some of us let that run our every thought. Life will continue to throw salt on your wounds, and I refuse to wake up every morning and think of everything I cannot do. Sure, there are way more things I cannot do. I cannot get up on my own. I cannot do everyday things without an assistive device of some sort. Something as simple as eating requires a special spoon. Something as simple as opening a door I need help with. Something as simple as moving 5 feet requires a lot of work. The list goes on and on.

          BUT you know what I can do? I can use my mind! The mind is a powerful thing. I can use my mind to educate others. I can use my mind to achieve my goals. I can use my mind to build relationships with people around me. I can use my mind to speak up for myself. I can use my mind to learn everything there is to know in the world. Some people aren’t as lucky to have the ability to do the things that I can. So, yes sometimes I get down about my situation, but I remind myself that not everyone is as lucky as me.

   Strangers may see me as that poor girl for being in a wheelchair, but I see myself as that mentally strong girl who can grab life by the balls and roll with it.  Life gets hard, but the good should always outweigh the bad. Never forget where you came from, but also never forget to grow from every experience. Never allow your hardships to make you a Bitter Betty.