My First Heartbreak

I experienced my first heartbreak at the young age of fourteen. I know what you're thinking, fourteen is too young to know what a heartbreak really is. This heartbreak was not the typical my boyfriend broke up with me, or someone died type of heartbreak. I was fourteen and mourning the loss of life as I knew it. Fourteen should be the age of adapting to high school and obsessing over cute boys with your girlfriends, not the age of sorrow and relearning how to live your life. 

I don't remember waking up in the hospital and being told I was now a quadriplegic. It was just something I already knew. Whether or not I just don't remember someone saying those words to me could be the case (morphine is one hell of a drug). I have yet to go through anything as devastating as being told not only will I never walk again, but I will never move about 85% of my body again, or breathe without a ventilator. Oh yeah! Another zinger, I will now pee through a tube and have a set bowel routine. I can't even feed myself and now I have to worry about possibly pissing myself. Oh joy! As if things couldn't get any worse...but wait! There's more! Once I returned home, three months later, all my friends stopped coming around. So not only was I embarrassed of myself my friends were too. 

I cried, but not as much as I should have. You see, the thing with being 100% dependent on others to live means holding a lot in because you don't want to bring down their day. Most of my tears were, and still are, shed when I am finally alone and going to sleep. Yes, eleven years later I still have moments where I break down. I don't think you ever really get over losing everything you once knew. You just learn to live with it and become a new (hopefully improved) you. 

I like to think that I have adapted well, but I still feel sorry for my fourteen year old self sometimes. I am really good at being strong for everyone else, but myself. There are now more good days than bad. Eleven years later and I am no longer on a ventilator. I have more independence, but not much. This heartbreak is not easy and never will be, but I slowly add more band-aids to it. I would never wish this on anybody because very few have enough band-aids to push through it, and still shine bright. 

Fuck your disability!

Since when did becoming paralyzed mean that your life was over? Sure, we may do things a little differently or require more help but I'll be damned if I let someone tell me my second chance at life should be wasted away laying in a bed. Doctors tell you from the get go that you will never live the same life, which is true in a sense. My way of not living the same life is to live a better life just modified. I refuse to live miserably at home missing out on the world around me. Shitty things happen to everyone, but it is how we handle those shitty situations that make us who we are. I spent two years of my life moping about being a quadriplegic and I refuse to ever do that again. I want to experience the good, the bad, the ugly, the love, the hurt, the fun for those who wish they had a second chance to just live. I have seen so many young amazing people die too soon, and I refuse to be dead while still living. 

People are so afraid to be hurt while living that they hold back so much. If you feel some way about someone, tell them! You may get rejected, but at least you tried. Rejection sucks, but you know what sucks more? Missing out on an amazing opportunity. If you wanna go to that party, go! If you don't have anyone to go somewhere with, go alone! You may meet some of the most amazing people. Go alone for those of us who can't! I wish I could go places alone, but I need too much help physically to do so. Since I can't go alone, I go out at every opportunity that I get. I go out because I want to have fun and experience things. It is too easy to sit at home feeling sorry for yourselves. 

Let me put this into perspective for you! I pee through a catheter. I can't even hold my own drink. I can't dress myself. I can't push myself around most places. I need help with EVERYTHING, but why am I gonna dwell on that? This is MY life! I only get one chance to be me, you only get one chance to be you! If you are unhappy with your situation, change it! You are in control of how you handle every situation life throws at you. I have been thrown one hell of an obstacle, but guess what? I grew from it! I no longer allow myself to be this wheelchair. Anybody that has met me knows I am the life of the party. I enjoy the moment because I choose to! You may see me as the girl in the wheelchair before you meet me, but after you meet me you know I am so much more than that. I am so much more because I choose to be. I will never let my disability define me. I want everyone to know I am disabled, but I am not my disability. Everyone has a form of a disability, and a bad attitude is the biggest disability out there!