Viewer Discretion Advised

    How ironic is it, that I write my first two blogs then get thrown right back into those same emotions a week later. I wanted to write a new blog once a week, but last week I found myself with a mind full of self doubt. My goal of this blog is not to post strictly negative things, so I decided to skip a week to figure my shit out. Then I remembered we are all human and you all love me because I'm real. So lets get real! 

Since all this wheelchair shit happened to me, I have had a hard time opening up and trusting people. Why? Because they always fucking leave! Always, no matter what they promise. I know, I know, Debbie Downer here! So in case you haven't figured it out yet, I got dumped. A year and a half down the drain over one simple saying "I wanna be alone." Those words fucking suck coming from someone you love. I guess I was raised differently, when shit gets rough I surround myself with people I love instead of push them away. Everyone handles things differently, and I have nothing bad to say about the guy. He's amazing and it was great while it lasted (even if I wasn't ready for it to end)! I have learned a lot about myself in this week going through this and am only gonna learn more as the reality sets in. 

I found myself wondering what I could have done to be a better girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't comforting enough. Maybe I didn't say the right things. Maybe it was too much taking care of me physically. Maybe he wants someone who can take care of him physically. My thoughts kept going back to my biggest insecurity, my disability. I sulked about it for a few days off and on. I surrounded myself with my loved ones and of course they reassured me that he was making a mistake. That's their job as my loved ones. I want to believe them, but I have to believe it on my own not just because they say so.

I reread my other two blog posts and thought, "PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH". Truth is, I still love myself I just have my moments. I still think I am a bad ass bitch. I know I love with all my heart, so when things don't go as planned I fall a little harder. I know that no matter what I tried my best, and that is not always good enough. I sometimes find myself thinking I don't wanna open up to anyone that deep again, or love that hard. Then I think, why not? I shouldn't give up my best qualities because I got hurt. Hell, I've been hurt before and that's how I learned to love so hard. I'm a warrior, I haven't lost my throne and my crown of strength. I am still me, and even after all the hurt I have nothing but love for him. People are gonna hurt you, that's life, it's how you handle the hurt that defines you. Don't let that pain make you cold hearted. Let that pain teach you that your love is to be cherished, and if someone else doesn't want it give it to yourself. It's easy to become cold. It's not easy to stay warm and loving. Never choose the easy way, you won't grow there. 

I think everyone should love hard and hurt hard. Without the hurt we will never grow. It's okay to cry and it's okay to doubt yourself, but it is never okay to dull yourself because of it. Maybe I will be okay tomorrow and maybe I won't, but I will still get up and live. Sometimes you have to doll yourself up and pretend you feel that way on the inside and there is nothing wrong with that. Even if I don't feel that sparkle on the inside I will show it on the outside. I will not allow my heartache to make me cold. I will learn from it and grow from it. 

Cheers to the boys who break hearts and create stronger women!

The Girl In The Wheelchair

As women, we are constantly comparing ourselves to other women, and wondering if we are good enough. As a woman with a disability, I feel that these feelings intensify. When you are a little bit different looking, and require more help than you can give you tend to think you will never be good enough for the love you deserve. I spent years thinking that I will never find someone to help me cut my food, transfer me from place to place, help me go pee, dress me after undressing me, or turn me in bed. Years wondering who would want to introduce the girl in the wheelchair to their family and friends, or who would want to take the girl in the wheelchair out in public. I allowed myself to become the girl in the wheelchair instead of Kaley. I find this trend of becoming just the girl in a wheelchair very popular among women with disabilities. The internet becomes our safe place because we can hide behind old, and cropped photos. We can even pretend this wheelchair doesn't exist. Believe me I have been there. I allowed men to speak to me however they wanted just because my insecure self wanted that attention. I settled and I know many of you have to. It is a heartbreaking trend that I hope one day can go away completely. 

We need to take control of our disability and stop letting it define us. Yes, we may look a little different and require more help, but we are still human. Once I realized, I was not just the girl in the wheelchair my life changed for the better. You'd be surprised how many people are willing to go the extra mile just to be around you. It definitely takes a strong person to date us, but we deserve nothing less. When you have suffered through something that nearly killed you and changed your life forever you deserve that extra love. You deserve to be shown off to the world because you are a survivor. Your struggles have made you beautiful inside and out. Your scars are beautiful because they tell a story. That wheelchair you hate so much has helped you become the person you are today. Maybe you are a little insecure, but so is that Instagram model. Not many people can say they have been through hell and came out with a throne and a crown made of strength. We deserve the strongest of people to love us because we too are the strongest of people. When you lose everything, you learn to love and appreciate everything that much more. You will never find a better lover than someone who has seen rock bottom and came back from it.

Believe me when I tell you that cliché saying, "You have to love yourself before anyone else can love you." is so true! A little over ten years later, and I can sit here proudly and tell you I know my worth. I know those of us who have more to love have so much more to give. I know that this chair I sit on is nothing but my throne to get around in. I know these struggles I face every day will not break me and neither will someone's opinion of me. I love myself and the person I have become because I was strong enough to become her. The scars tell my story and show my struggle to become me, and not just the girl in a wheelchair. Have you ever talked to someone who has a million scars both visible and on their heart? It is a beautiful thing. You are a beautiful thing.

I'm going to end this by saying, don't allow someone to walk all over you just because you can't walk at all. Roll right back over them! The extra love we require isn’t shit compared to the extra love we have to give! Love yourself and people will be drawn to you. Don't believe me? Just try it for yourself.