How ironic is it, that I write my first two blogs then get thrown right back into those same emotions a week later. I wanted to write a new blog once a week, but last week I found myself with a mind full of self doubt. My goal of this blog is not to post strictly negative things, so I decided to skip a week to figure my shit out. Then I remembered we are all human and you all love me because I'm real. So lets get real!
Since all this wheelchair shit happened to me, I have had a hard time opening up and trusting people. Why? Because they always fucking leave! Always, no matter what they promise. I know, I know, Debbie Downer here! So in case you haven't figured it out yet, I got dumped. A year and a half down the drain over one simple saying "I wanna be alone." Those words fucking suck coming from someone you love. I guess I was raised differently, when shit gets rough I surround myself with people I love instead of push them away. Everyone handles things differently, and I have nothing bad to say about the guy. He's amazing and it was great while it lasted (even if I wasn't ready for it to end)! I have learned a lot about myself in this week going through this and am only gonna learn more as the reality sets in.
I found myself wondering what I could have done to be a better girlfriend. Maybe I wasn't comforting enough. Maybe I didn't say the right things. Maybe it was too much taking care of me physically. Maybe he wants someone who can take care of him physically. My thoughts kept going back to my biggest insecurity, my disability. I sulked about it for a few days off and on. I surrounded myself with my loved ones and of course they reassured me that he was making a mistake. That's their job as my loved ones. I want to believe them, but I have to believe it on my own not just because they say so.
I reread my other two blog posts and thought, "PRACTICE WHAT YOU PREACH". Truth is, I still love myself I just have my moments. I still think I am a bad ass bitch. I know I love with all my heart, so when things don't go as planned I fall a little harder. I know that no matter what I tried my best, and that is not always good enough. I sometimes find myself thinking I don't wanna open up to anyone that deep again, or love that hard. Then I think, why not? I shouldn't give up my best qualities because I got hurt. Hell, I've been hurt before and that's how I learned to love so hard. I'm a warrior, I haven't lost my throne and my crown of strength. I am still me, and even after all the hurt I have nothing but love for him. People are gonna hurt you, that's life, it's how you handle the hurt that defines you. Don't let that pain make you cold hearted. Let that pain teach you that your love is to be cherished, and if someone else doesn't want it give it to yourself. It's easy to become cold. It's not easy to stay warm and loving. Never choose the easy way, you won't grow there.
I think everyone should love hard and hurt hard. Without the hurt we will never grow. It's okay to cry and it's okay to doubt yourself, but it is never okay to dull yourself because of it. Maybe I will be okay tomorrow and maybe I won't, but I will still get up and live. Sometimes you have to doll yourself up and pretend you feel that way on the inside and there is nothing wrong with that. Even if I don't feel that sparkle on the inside I will show it on the outside. I will not allow my heartache to make me cold. I will learn from it and grow from it.
Cheers to the boys who break hearts and create stronger women!
Stay strong. Good life lessons. You are a warrior. X Ozzie
ReplyDeleteI dont want to grow anymore .i don't want to love anymore .i dont feel the need to have to be loved anymore .tbe little chunk of love i have left is all mine .i dont want to share it, lend it, display it,brag about it ,because until I get what pieces of my heart that have been taken from me back ,they can find some other sucker to bleed out just so they can entertain themselves as they watch me die.dont be like me .its lonely cold and not very much fun .guard your shit .its your treasure .cause once its gone its hard as hell to get back.
ReplyDeleteBilities.un dis avail
Not negative just relative
ReplyDeleteI'm glad you wrote this. I really like what you had to say. You are a warrior and always believe that. One of my best friends is a quad so I this speaks to me, but stay strong and true to yourself. Time will only heal you but you will persevere.
ReplyDeleteTrue love will always come back if it was meant to be set it free if it returns it was meant to be. Your young and beautiful love is a four letter word, it's an exaggerated emotion that is full of pain more then joy. Love yourself before you try to love someone else. If you can't love yourself how the hell you gonna love someone else and vice versa.
ReplyDeleteHi, Im Leon , I found your blog by clicking around. I'm 52 yrs and have had my share of experiences...up's and down's and living through the up's and down's of those close to me and continue to do so...life is a bitch! ..oops, I mean a challenge !!lol. Either way , it's not for the weak.You start off weak and knowing nothing about anything but then it throws stuff at you, some good and some bad, and you grow. If you're lucky you'll grow stronger and wiser but if your unlucky you'll get trampled down and hurt and cast aside. I've always felt that it was the duty of the strong and wise to help up those who get trampled by life and help them to see who they are and there worth and build them up to! Because of your physical condition you need help from others but mentally and emotionally you are strong an wise and I'm glad that you share that with others. Sometimes young people will have a hard time taking words of advice and sound reasoning from someone like me who is older but will listen easier when it comes from someone their own age..someone like you, who is candid and honest, they see no fake in you.. you keep it real.Maybe it's not the intent of your blog to be giving out help to those who may be down but because you have a good head on your shoulders you make sense and this helps those who cant easily make sense out of things that don't seem to make sense. Even as smart as you are , you still have to stop and figure things out sometimes.. you still feel hurt and need comfort and understanding from others and others your age, and even some my age, can relate to that.You do seem wise beyond your years and have a good way of writing your thoughts..keep doing it because you are helping others see through the fog as well.
ReplyDeleteI had an experience where I think I loved too hard, I was in my late twenties and here is where I keep it real, I was still a virgin--by choice. This girl I dated seven years prior and ended up breaking up with her ..for dumb reasons.. but I did. Seven years go by and I still thought of her all the time.One day, out of the blue, she calls me.. , we start dating again and Im thinking wow, this time its going to be different, Im not going to let her get away again, Im going to do everything I can, everything right !She lived a few hours away now so it was an effort to see each other and we made the most of it when we did, usually spend days together. Then it came up..sex.. at first I said 'No',as I always have, I was a real goodie goodie then, but then I thought long and hard about it and decided since we were in love I would finally go ahead and do it. So she asked and she was shocked I said 'Okay' and I was shocked to, lol. Weeks went by and I just loived her more and more now, I was practically naming our children when it happened..she dumped me!! Yup, and I was crushed like never before. I felt stupid, worthless , zero self esteem and depressed . I thought well , give me a few months and Ill be okay..no! IT TOOK ME THREE YEARS TO GET OVER IT! I said no way not ever again so I kind of went on a rampage after that .. dating and sleeping around with women I didnt really care about. I finally came to my senses again and realized I was stuck in extremes. I loved too much then loved to little.I chased off the girl because I loved too hard and it scared her, being the object of such intense emotions can overwhelm and scare some one away.. it's a lot of responsibility.I saw that and decided time for a different approach and to put it in manly terms decided love is like fishing, lol...you reel in your catch but then let out a little line...reel it in a little more, then let it out a little and so on , till you reel it in all the way. If you try to reel in your catch to quick you can break your line and it will get away...something to think about, make of it what you will.
Keep doing what your doing and good luck !